The Fall and the Heart (Modern Library of Indonesia) by S. Rukiah

Author:S. Rukiah [Rukiah, S.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Typhoon Media Ltd
Published: 2011-07-16T00:00:00+00:00

Luk had to leave at noon, forced to depart with the confusion of things still unsettled. He looked somber; his body was rigid and his smile forced.

“Looks like there is going to be another clash,” Mansur told me when we went out the next morning to get some cotton rolls. “We heard this morning about seven o’clock,” he continued. “Our unit’s been ordered to disband. There’s a good possibility those of us they call the ‘ringleaders’ will be taken in.”

“Luk, too?” I quickly asked, making no attempt to hide my anxiety. “What about Luk?” I asked again as he seemed to pay no attention to my question.

“Luk, too,” he finally answered, his eyes filled with a hazy glow. “Especially Luk. He’s down as the most dangerous one of all.”

“It can’t be,” I stuttered. “Can’t we do something? Can’t you help me? Help me keep him for just one more day.” I was trembling with regret and anxiety.

“How can I help you, Susi? What am I supposed to do?” Mansur asked as if criticizing me. “We all have our own responsibilities to take care of and our own problems to solve. You won’t solve anything acting like a child. As long as you carry out your responsibilities to the best of your abilities then you may consider yourself successful.”

“But you don’t understand,” I cried, shaking all the more. “Don’t talk to me about such things now. Not today. You don’t know what’s happened. I don’t know what to do, after last night. Just when everything was working out. I’m so confused. What am I to do?”

“I know,” Mansur said consolingly. “But with things as they are now, the camp in an uproar like this, you’ll have to put your own feelings aside for a while. You’ll have to separate yourself temporarily from your feelings. Put them beyond the killing, the revolution and this struggle for freedom. We have other things to think about now. We have work to do today; concentrate on that: on how we’re going to evacuate the camp; on how to move all the men to safety. We have work to do, Susi.”

Mansur couldn’t have known what had taken place between Luk and me. He didn’t understand. He had no idea what I was feeling that morning: the hurt, the hate, the disappointment, the love and countless other emotions. I was frightened. What if Lukman were killed or taken away from me? After I had made that final surrender to love and affection? I hate it. I hate it all. Why hadn’t I been able to rid myself of that red thread of memories before it happened?

“Where’s Luk now?” I asked suddenly.

“He’s still busy with the others, trying to figure out what to do about the men. The government’s going to try to disarm them and at least some will refuse; they’d rather die first. You’d better stay here a while before you try to find him.”

I didn’t care how busy he was or whether the men wanted to turn in their weapons or not.

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